Jimmy’s “small problem” with his Port Vale pal spurred our resident bard Barry into action – and here’s his efforts on how to salvage a Vale relationship.
Barry Edge writes…
On the 11th February 2013 at 0659 hours GMT Jimmy Doherty called on Valiants worldwide seeking helpful advice towards resolving ‘a small problem’. His desperate plaintiff plea seems to have been a last ditch attempt to salvage a relationship with one of his best mates – Big Ian from Wolstanton.
According to Jimmy his mate has a flatulence problem bigger than ‘Blazing Saddles’. No matter the place or time of day his mate ‘drops his lunch’ almost at will i.e. farts, farts and farts. In itself, says Jimmy, that’s not the ‘small problem’. The real problem is the obnoxious foul smell left behind that assaults the nasal senses to leave one gasping for oxygen.
Like all good mates Jimmy has privately discussed this with Big Ian and has recommended several options to remedy this ‘small problem’ – all to no avail. Sadly, it all came to a head on the away trip to Barnet – hence Jimmy’s desperate plea for help and advice.
In a fun response to Jimmy I’m offering my thoughts on the matter. Also I’m including the thoughts of several OVFers in the hope it will help him understand his ‘small problem’ from a broader historical and social perspective.
**********
Farting Company
Most people burp and belch
To ease their stomach pain
And though they feel much better
Some gasses will remain,
Then in the course of time
Their bowels will be eased
When the passing of that excess gas
Through their rectum has been squeesed
Now Hippocrates believed
Though smelly and unseen
The passing of such gasses
Was good for one’s well-being,
And a famous Roman Emperor -
Claudius was his name -
Said passing gas whenever
Was akin to social fame
Of course the very subject -
Of people passing gas -
Is debated high and low
From the rich to working class,
But let me ask you Jim
When on your Valiant travels
Is the sound of your mate’s gas
Like that in Blazing Saddles?
You travel far and wide
With the Burslem Caravan,
To the far north east ofEngland,
To the home of the Calon Lân,
And on many of these journeys
Your mate is with you too,
But when he passes gas
It smells like rotten stew
You say your mate has tried
The smelly gas to end,
But money on some remedies
He simply will not spend,
And as daft as it may seem
Your mate may be okay
For some are known to fart
More than twenty times a day
You tell us that your mate
‘Drops his Lunch’ both loud and long,
That whilst he smiles contentedly
You’re choked up with the pong,
But Jimmy, let’s be clear -
If the problem’s only ‘small’
Why do you need a wedge of cash
And a hit man at your call?
But hang about, before I go
There’s other stuff to share
To let you know we hear you,
To let you know we care,
And I know that you’ll forgive
The ones who doubt your word
By saying that it’s really you
With bowels often stirred
There’s Geo’s strange suggestion
That a bung would do the trick,
But when it’s taken out
Would be enough to make you sick,
And Geo’s other option –
Less painful and less fuss –
Is to run an exhaust pipe
Through the window of the bus
Butterfly has met your mate
And says he was okay
The day they went to Morecambe
On a sunny August day,
In fact she goes one further
By saying he was a gent -
That their journey was completed
Without an ‘incident’
You say that Peter Tindall
Your problem can confirm
That your long time mate’s behaviour
Is a worry and concern
That Pete was forced to scrap
A car he could not sell
Because your mate had left behind
A putrid foul smell
But Pete has called you out
To leave your mate alone
And says the problem’s quickly solved
With a can of aero-zone,
But there is another option
If you think that costs too much
That all you need to do
Is wind your window down a touch
Two final thoughts from Johnny Aitch
And then I will depart,
The first one’s to remind you
That it’s natural to fart,
But if you find you’re struggling
His second thought’s a gem,
You harness those emissions
By setting fire to them
Barry Edge
Western Australia
February 27, 2013
